true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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