One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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