He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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