i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
they need to just BURY HIM!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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