had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
