Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
