I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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