i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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