Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
