Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
