Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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