That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
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