life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
