you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
