I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
