youre lurking in front of me
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
so let's talk penis.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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