next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize