I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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