A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize