At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
