I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You can't special order awesome
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize