im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
