Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
