Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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