onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
