Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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