It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
