oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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