you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
