First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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