No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
