If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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