I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
