just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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