I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
