So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
