I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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