Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
