why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He shit in the fireplace
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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