she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
