I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
