I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
