She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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