you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
she looked like the before picture.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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