If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
