a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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