is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
