My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
