where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
