Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
