my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize