Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
