Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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