I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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