he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize