you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
