Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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