So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
