my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I pour the whiskey from now on
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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